21 7 / 2014
"Can I please pet your dog?" I’m at lunch with James and this god damn golden retriever in the restaurant won’t stop wagging its fucking tail at me. James keeps walking as I interrupt a woman clearly in the zone with her work laptop so I can pet her fucking adorable dog.
Fuck, her face reads, but she says, “Sure!” and I don’t waste any time; I get right in there and molest her god damn cute dog and his tail goes crazy and my hands go everywhere and I practically bury my face in its fucking neck and whisper all sorts of things like, Why are you so cute? and Do you like that? I see the woman’s heavy legs shift uncomfortably close to my cheek, signaling me that maybe it’s time for me to get the fuck out of there and I get out from underneath the table.
"Thanks!" I say cheerfully and she doesn’t reply. I scamper out and meet up with James, who has already started the walk home. "That puppy was so cute!" I squeal. "People let me pet their dogs because they think I’m trustworthy. They don’t know that the first chance I have, I’ll snatch their dogs. I’ll just steal them and take them home and have a whole puppy colony."
A woman looks up wearily from a meter away, overhearing us, she gives me a stink eye and picks up her tiny shih tzu dog before buzzing into her apartment.
"I guess she heard me," I say to James.
"I guess so," he replies.
What that lady doesn’t know is that shih tzu’s are awful. I wouldn’t want her yappy fucking dog, anyway.