Extensive Vamping

On Bangs

I’m glad you asked, Skippy!

Bangs are not a right, they are a privilege. One must be able to carry off a bang or else it’s just best for society and all parties involved that they grow them out. The thing that may help you is a thicker bang.

For the record, that’s how I deal.

There are quite a few types of fringes one can have. I am omitting side swept, because I assume you aren’t A. a thirteen year old emo girl and B. talking about side swept bangs.

There’s the Alison Mosshart I am too good for this fuck you, bang.

There’s the I’m very indie Zooey D. bang

and then there’s the I really wanted bangs but my stylist kinda fucked them up so now I’m stuck with this bang. Sometimes, these become side swept because they suck.

(Everyone say hi to Hilary Duff, who came back from not having a career to appear in this blog entry.)

If you’re Alison Mosshart, you don’t actually give a shit what your bangs look like, so I’m guessing you’re going for the more Indie Darling I play ukulele and have a lot of vintage looking dresses kind of thing. Walk into your hairdresser and demand (DEMAND) that your bangs be made thicker. Say this; “Look, I don’t know what kind of fucked up hair salon bullshit establishment you think you have going on, but I asked for bangs, OK?” (Feel free to get very Taratino during this monologue. Think of this more as a how-to guide) Your hairdresser will be like, “…” and then you go, “So give me bangs as thick as a Kardashian backside and I won’t accidentally on purpose forget to tip you.”

On second thought, s/he will be very confused. You might just want to bring in a photo of someone whose bangs you admire. For instance, I brought in a photo of Zooey and said straight up, “Make me into this.”

My hairdresser, God bless her, did the best that she could, but you know, I don’t play the ukulele or anything.

Also, if all else fails, hairspray the shit out of your bangs. I like Elnet. Plus, the big gold Elnet can doubles as a fake Oscar so you can give a Best Actress speech to yourself in the bathroom mirror.